Happy Birthday to me!! I'm a 103 or 21 or wtvr kthxbai

Happy birthday to me!!!

today I turn 21. It is currently 1:13am. There is a documentary about how the balinese think that rice is a manifestation of God, and watched a ceremony where they stepped on the heads of dead cows and prayed for the gods to come down and manifest themselves in their rice-dough statues.
Now I see an old woman wearing a 2 foot tall red hat that looks like a lampshade splashing water from a flat spoon over a crowd... now it is raining and we are looking at statues looking pensive, more people picking rice, more volcanoes, gods, back to rice again. Its in English but it really makes no sense. Now there'es credits.

I think i feel like my grandfather trying to follow the news. Well it is 1:16am and I have been cleaning grandfather dearest's house for 5 hours, cooking walking dogs keeping people happy feeding animals and people etc all day, came home and by 8pm I was cooking. I have made a beef, date and honey tagine and I have gotten half way through making these crazily difficult, horribly fatty but hell-crazy-amazing tasting authentic moroccan pastries.
I could be a drug addict if you had only read this post and didn't know me. My eyes are stinging but i haven't had much sleep lately. Not sure why but ever-so-pissed that my old arch nemesis insomnia has made one of its many returns.

And yes, it is my 21st birthday. whoopee doo. To be honest i'm not really that excited or care particularly where I once might have. Now I could not be bothered running, or for that matter asking people to do anything other than arrive at my house on a night they are not likely to be doing much (a monday), eat food I have paid for with my birthday money and slaved over for hours, wish me a happy birthday and go home.

soo much effort. Two reasons: 1 i like to cook and 2 I like the people I'm cooking for.
Its more a good excuse to cook and see people i like.

so, a couple of cooking hints from hayles:
1. do not pour burning hot deep fry oil down the sink i'm pretty sure its more powerful than drano
2. turn off all smoke alarms
3. do not bother with dinner because you have to taste the consistency etc of sooo much food that it eventually becomes a meal
4. avoid attempting anything which has more than one whisk, star, chefs hat or muffin marked next to it
5. avoid starting a dish which looks like it will take a little while at 11:00pm if you have a big day ahead
6. don't drink [more than 1/2 bottle of scotch] and cook

ahh the wisdom of a 21 year old. I am as wizened as a sage.
Call me Sagey. Or Sag for short.

But not saggy.

This movie on tv (sunday nite telly!!) makes possibly less sense than the doco on cows heads and rice dough... Its like die hard but without a sound track, in black and white, and instead of killers with beards, suits and guns its a kid in plaid oberalls and bruce willis is a prim police woman with a perm. and it smacks more of bad blocking and direction than suspense. ooh we have music; its a light string number that could have featured in the singin' in the rain 20minute montage. this is very very strange. I should get to bed but i don't know if I can face getting changed. and i feel sick from trying to get the consistency of orange flour water / sesame seed / almond meal dough right (eerrghh so sickenly rich).

should go to bed soon.
my ass is sore, my feet are sore. I am sore.

I don't want my birthday today - maybe some other time.\

adios chicos y chicas,
rest in peace but not in a funeral kind of way in a warm cosy bed with a cat kinda way

Hayles xoxox

Sorry we have a correction to make

At the bottom of the following post, moderatelygoodlover68 should read
"averagelover-nottheworstiveeverhadbutcertainlynotthebest61"

Channel H News apologises for the error. Please refer all complaints to the official Channel H voodoo doll* - the truly satisfying customer service option.



*doll doesn't actually exist. Please refer all comments to the doll as listed above.

Calling all males

http://svc189.bne146v.server-web.com/statistical_portrait/inner_west/

I was surfing the web and I got washed up on the rocks of the Brisbane suburb-by-suburb statistical data. AWESOME!

What it did reveal (although these stats are older than knock-knock jokes, vegemite and lamingtons) was that last count there was 3, 295 uni students in Toowong, 4, 495 people living below the poverty line and an extreme proportion (like 49%) of the population earns a ridiculous pay packet as professionals, managers, execs and I suppose a few divorced WAG types attending 30 yoga sessions per week in full makeup and 40 carat jewelry as a result of that 49% white collar pop.

what the above diagram also reveals is what I secretly suspected. In the inner west, there are more females aged 20 - 24 than any other population group - sitting at 5000. And the shitty part is, ladies, we are 500 men short.
This is all before we encounter a range of other man issues - already partnered, the 10% standard gay population, the no-hopers (general) and dungeons & dragons freaks (no-hopers specific), the medieval society /the world of warcraft casualties / body odour (and/or) hair (and/or) acne issue boys (all no-hopers specific) ?

Its official. There is a man drought.

I would say the deficit has been under-reported, ladies.
We are in a state of crisis not seen since the Great War! We must rise up, and advertise! The inner west is NOT an ecosystem ladies, and last i recall the female human does not eat the male after mating. Those who do are very inconsiderate and contributing to our woes.
In the words of a famously sacked political head-kicker,
ITS TIME.

Or we could try another campagin which was pretty effective in the war years - "BRING THEM HOME" - what do you think?
Anyway, my long vigil in front of crap tv is about to be rewarded by scrubs.
so i'll be seein ya...

just before I go, I think maybe i need to get Lucas to sew a star of david type patch onto his jacket that says 'off limits' so women downtown.
Is that a little OTT?

From Toowong with love,
Kitty-Kat aka hayles aka haze aka baby cat aka midnight aka moderatelygoodlover68

Calling all males

http://svc189.bne146v.server-web.com/statistical_portrait/inner_west/

No Love

That is the theme of today's post. This is inspired by (a) Sally's song title (see http://ballysaxter.blogspot.com or whatever it is) but mostly inspired by (b) the lack of love I am receiving and (c) the "moment" Katrina and I had today.

I'm having a panic attack re: Lucas in horribly sexy location on horribly sexy skiing trip with ex girlfriend. I have had 1 out of 6 people who haven't considered it a distinct possibility he will fall to temptation in the sheep state. BAAAHHHH!!!!

I have no option but to trust him, but that does not stop me wringing my hands, esp considering last 48 hrs of activity. Do I go into that, or do i not?

eeeerrmm no. except to say that Rohan put his hand on my leg and asked me if I really thought he wouldn't try something before I removed his hand, told him he would not and drove myself home.

But: I could DRIVE home. and... Rohan is about the most loyal person I have ever met. and even he, under the right circumstances, would be tempted to cheat. so my faith in humanity is slipping.

I got NO LOVE! *80's rock music playing, electric drum beat etc*
[cue for soft-focus low lighting, woman lying in black high-waisted satin nightie on her bed singing at the telephone, with a big tousled blonde boofy bob haircut and red-red-red lipstick]
...Dah da da da da da da NO LOVE! NO ITS SKIING IN THE SHEEP STATE! ... NO LOVE, and i'm hoping i'm not too late! even worse, that his ex is LATE! dah da da da da da da

in another no love story...
Trins and I were bitching that nobody had messaged us on our respective phones ALL DAY. And just as we were getting in the car (following coffee at 3 monkeys) we both checked our phones. I looked up and said "no love..." She looked up and said "no love..." We turned on the radio. The very first thing it said was... wait for it... "this next song is called "no love!"

dude

anyway scott is talking non-stop but its not all that interesting tonight. I told him to shut up and keep juggling.


Goodnight ;-)

If this Keyboard could talk...

It would complain about how much abuse it has copped. It is bedecked with star stickers, a relic from my exam block "think i'm goin' a little bit nuts here" penchant for covering everything within reach (including Lucas) with little shiny stars. They are the same ones parents used to stick next to kids' names when they were good, or did the washing up, or - in our family - had another poisoning-free day. Gotta love them.

My keyboard would also complain about the absence of the shift key. The plastic bit that tells you its a shift key came off in some war I had with it.

it might also have a whinge about being pelted with juggling balls this morning, as I refused to move from my spot by the lappy to practise. But my keyboard is just acting like a weak little girl.. It's only ever suffered flesh wounds.

however I am glad my keyboard does not speak. It would mostly carp on about how I never write anything worthwhile with it, and just post random, meaningless twaddle on the net to clog up the internet-bloggish-drainage. Which, as you can see from the quality of this post, is So Not True!

Good little keyboard, you're so fine! I'm going to pelt you with juggling balls all the time!
Good little keyboard, you're a star! I'm going to throw you, oh-so-far!
*maraccas start playing*

[END COMMUNICATION]

A warm up post (boring stuff out first, interesting later)

Wow! Believe it or not dear reader(s???), I have not been the victim of an unfortunate napalm accident. I have just been under a very heavy rock (the exam block rock) feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling extra sorry for myself tonight because its the very last time I see Lucas before he goes skiing in new zealand with his ex gf. Yeah, I know.

He says I have nothing to worry about. I hope he's right. meanwhile, back in Hayley Land (population one) things are going a bit AWOL. Where did all these men come from?

Today Matt Doyle, and I do mean the same Matt Doyle who manipulated me, and I do mean the same Matt Doyle who came right out and asked me to engage in some 'late night unconscionable conduct' with him recently, pulled another one on me today and strongly suggested I cheat on Lucas. Because I'm young and we're supposed to do that'n'shit.

Wow. where does a conversation go after that one? He said it was better we meet in public places because he would try something if he got half a chance... this is ridiculous!!
Actually as mean as it sounds, I took the opportunity to ask why he needed these 'late night sessions' to be with me, and not with anyone else. I was taken, (VERY TAKEN) and he refused to find someone else to comply with his suggestion. Apparently we have a lot of fun together (true) and have a 'connection'...
so. I guess I can kiss that friendship goodbye. :( i mean as much of an asshole as he is, he is a fun asshole. I will miss the good old days.

Meanwhile, some random indian guy asked me out at the gym. I suspect its because i'm the least barbie-ish one there who doesn't look like I eat men for breakfast. Picture me more as a rabbit in the headlights than a girl at the gym, with my big white ears pointing up in surprise. EEEEEEEEEEE!!!! run away, run away!

*hayley runs away*

also, finally. (i'm sorry this is such an uninteresting email for everyone else but i don't feel flattered, I feel hounded and for all the wrong reasons)
Rohan. has a girlfriend. I told him I was seeing Lucas and I was really into him. He called me up last night, and I asked him what he was doing for our birthday (we were born on the same day) - he thought we were still going to melbourne together!
"Yes, lets go away for a dirty weekend, you with your girlfriend back home and me, hopelessly head over heels for another man. That sounds perfectly feasible."

So i can kiss that one goodbye as well. I can't help but feel as though my fidelity is being tested.
It doesn't need to be. I know what I want. Just don't know how to tell him that...